Month: April 2022

Over the course of human history, life expectancy has nearly tripled. While living longer lives is certainly something to be cherished, it has also created a significant uptick in the number of older adults requiring care of one form or another – care that is often provided by their adult children.

Taking care of an elderly parent can be a very rewarding experience, but when factored into life’s many other daily demands, it can be exhausting – both physically and emotionally. More than a third of family caregivers rate their job as emotionally stressful, and nearly one in five experience a high level of physical strain, according to this AARP report.

While many new caregivers feel they can roll up their sleeves and enthusiastically soldier through their responsibilities, not having a plan to handle work, family tasks and making time for self-care can lead to caregiver burnout, depression and health problems. Here are some tips to help you maintain a better balance of work, caregiving and personal life.

How to manage caregiving responsibilities

The first step to managing your caregiving is to be objective about all of the specific tasks and responsibilities you truly have, and then reach out to as many family members and friends as you can to ask for help. Here are some ways to make this a little easier

• Build a support team – Create a contact list with email and phone numbers for all family and friends that can help.
• Make a task list – Write down all of your caregiver responsibilities, organizing them by daily, weekly and monthly tasks. Make this list concise but also comprehensive – you might be surprised at how quickly those smaller tasks can add up. Divide your list into what can be done in the home (meals, housekeeping, personal care) vs. outside (grocery shopping, special errands, doctor appointments). Try to combine outside activities as best you can to consolidate travel time.
• Share the list – Make a copy of this list for your support team and be specific about the tasks you need their help with the most. There are several on-line schedulers that may make this easier to both compile your list and share with others. Be flexible and offer options that make it easier for everyone to pitch in. If someone can’t contribute their time, perhaps they can contribute funds to help cover costs to occasionally hire a professional caregiver or transportation service when you aren’t available or simply need a break.
• Answer questions – Some members of your support team may have questions about medications or mobility issues. Others may be uncomfortable with tasks like dressing or bathing. Ask everybody if they have any questions or concerns and address them as best you can.

How to make more time for yourself

Once you’ve got a handle on your caregiving tasks and secured help from family and friends, here are some additional ways to make more time for yourself:

• Preemptive steps – Whether you’re caring for your parent in their home or yours, make the home safe to help prevent falls or other injuries that could create additional caregiver responsibilities if overlooked. Also, be mindful of how social isolation and loneliness in older adults can create situations that make providing care more challenging – learn the warning signs and what you can do to help.
• Find outside care – There are many local and national organizations that provide both paid and volunteer respite-care services. A good place to start your search is the National Association of Area Agencies on Aging. Explore short-term stays at senior living communities in your area – they provide you with a break and allow your parent to experience the personal care, amenities, meals and events that community life offers.
• Just say no – There is only so much time in the day, so don’t overcommit. Fulfilling obligations with family and friends is important, but so is taking time to relax and rejuvenate. It’s okay to politely decline an invitation with simple regrets or, if you like, send a small gift or bottle of wine for others to enjoy in your absence.
• Unplug – Making more time for yourself starts with limiting distractions, so turn off your email and avoid the endless scrolling on social media – it will all be waiting for you tomorrow.
• Relax – Sounds easy enough, but it’s easy to lose yourself in your day without taking a breath. Whether it’s sitting down with a good book, spending time in the garden, yoga, meditation or simple breathing exercises, it’s important to unwind. Even if you have a crazy busy schedule, devote at least five minutes of the day to something you love that brings you value and joy.
• Connect – Whether it’s a phone call, coffee date or an evening out, spending time with family and friends outside of your caregiving responsibilities can help relieve stress and recharge you for the day ahead.

How to lower your stress

When you’re stressed, you are more likely to sleep poorly, tire easily and be irritable with others, including those you are caring for – but you can help manage stress by modifying your behavior. Getting more sleep increases your capacity for patience. Getting more exercise releases endorphins that reduce feelings of anxiousness and depression.

Here are a few ways to reduce stress and increase the calm in your day:

• Breathe – Sit quietly and comfortably and breathe deeply while you count your breaths from 1 to 10. Repeat this while remaining focused on the moment. It’s natural for your mind to drift, but still your thoughts and do your best to stay focused on the moment. Doing this for even a few minutes each day can relieve stress.
• Visualize – If just sitting and breathing makes you feel too awkward, try doing it while picturing a relaxing scene. Maybe it’s lying on the beach or gently floating through a cool tropical forest. Visualizing peaceful scenes while you do your deep breathing takes you on a mental vacation of sorts, which helps rejuvenate your mind.
• Get out – If you need a more active way to relax, try a walking meditation. This is similar to a neighborhood stroll, but with deliberate deep breathing while being focused on everything you are experiencing in the moment – the smells of the grass, the rustling of the trees, the barking of a distant dog. Immersing yourself deeply in each moment of your walk will leave you feeling more refreshed and buoyant when you get home.
• Creative mindfulness – Whether it’s painting, coloring, strumming a guitar, gardening, working a puzzle or raking a sandy Zen garden, being engaged in a creative outlet has a calming effect that can make you feel renewed and more at ease.
• Exercise – Walking the dog, cycling classes, yoga – nothing gets those endorphins pumping better than exercise. Solo is fine, but having a partner or joining a group at the fitness center can make workouts more fun.

We’re always here to help

As a leader in the industry, Atria Senior Living is happy to share our expertise and offer any support we can – even if the support you need is from someone other than us. We can call on our trusted relationships with other senior living organizations and resources to put you in touch with the best solution for you and your family. Whether you are considering a short-term stay or simply need advice, please reach out to your local Atria community director today and they’ll be happy to help in any way they can.

Our Guide to Balancing a Busy Schedule and Caregiving (PDF)

According to a study by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), more than three-quarters of adults age 50 and older in the U.S. prefer to live in their own homes as long as possible. However, a study by the U.S. Census Bureau found that less than 10 percent of homes are “aging-ready,” and present considerable health and safety risks for older adults.

Whether you need to help make an elderly parent’s home safer or your home for a parent moving in, here are some important tips and senior safety devices to help keep your parent as safe and independent as possible.

The first step – preparing for change

Change is hard at any age, and it can often be more challenging as we get older. Change can represent loss of control and this, in turn, can feel like losing independence. So, before you start making any home modification plans, it’s important to talk things over with your parent. Keeping your parent involved in the decision-making process helps things go more smoothly by eliminating the negative reactions that typically arise when people feel like they’ve been deliberately kept out of the loop.

Also, don’t bring up everything that needs to change all at once. It’s best to start the conversation with any small changes that need to be made and take care of those first, and then gradually introduce larger issues. Involving your parent’s doctor in the discussion may also make things easier as your parent may be more willing to accept advice from a trusted professional.

Reducing falls at home

In the U.S., falls are the leading cause of injury and death for older adults. In fact, about 36 million falls are reported among older adults each year, resulting in more than 32,000 fatalities. There are many factors that can make one more prone to falling, such as:

• Decreased visual acuity
• Declining motor skills
• Decreased cognitive abilities
• Certain medications
• Medical history of stroke or Parkinson’s disease

The good news is many falls are preventable. Here are some ways you can help your parent reduce the risk of falling:

• Stay active – Being physically fit goes a long way to prevent falls. Have your parent focus on activities and movements that strengthen the legs and improve balance, like tai chi – consult your parent’s doctor for activities that are best suited if they have mobility issues
• Assistive devices – If your parent requires better support and balance, consider walking aids such as walking stick, tripod, walking frame or rollator – and make sure the rooms in which it is used provide needed clearance and are free of clutter. Reaching aids that help your parent to obtain an item safely, without stretching or over-balancing, can also prevent falls.
• Remove trip hazards – Replace all throw rugs and mats with non-slip versions. Rugs should be changed throughout the house, but make the kitchen, bedroom and any bathrooms a first priority. Secure or reroute any exposed electrical cords and remove all low-profile furniture and any floor-level clutter that may pose a risk.
• House pets – This can be a delicate subject, but cats and dogs can pose a significant fall risk. If a pet is highly energetic, erratic in behavior or prone to sudden bursts of running around inside the house, consider securing an area of the house with pet gates (like the kitchen or laundry room) so the pet still has plenty of room but isn’t a constant tripping threat. Also, be mindful that pet toys scattered on the floor are also tripping hazards – store them in a basket or box when not in play.
• Thresholds – Changes from tile to wood or carpet can contribute to falls. Applying a strip of bright orange tape on thresholds can help your parent identify a change in the floor surface. Raised flooring between rooms can also be an issue – ask a safety expert about flattening thresholds or adding small ramps or handrails. If the floor itself is too slippery, consider applying non-slip strips or replacing with non-slip flooring.
• Floor lighting – It always helps to see where one’s going, so install plug-in or battery-powered lights along well-traveled paths, such as bed to bathroom and around the kitchen. Motion sensor lights are an option that are perfect for the bathroom and hallways. While shedding light on the situation can help avoid falls, be sure any conventional floor lamps are secured to the ground and that both the lamps and their cords are tucked away behind furniture and not placed in walking paths.
• Stepping up safety – If the home has multiple levels, make every effort to move all essential activities to the first floor. If this is not possible, consider installing a personal elevator or stair lift chair. If mobility is not a concern, then make sure all stairways have firm handrails. Consider replacing exterior steps with ramps where possible or installing handrails and non-slip strips to existing steps.
• Grab bars – Grab bars are quite common in bathrooms, but consider installing them throughout the house where a steady hand could prevent a fall, such as the kitchen, bedroom or by a recliner.
• Clothing and footwear – Ensure your parent has clothing that is neither too constrictive nor too loose, as long, loose pant legs could trip them up. Check to make sure they are wearing non-skid shoes/slippers in the home and avoid laces on shoes if they can’t be securely tied.

Make the home furniture-friendly

Whether it’s a favorite recliner or cherished antique table handed down through the generations, home furnishings can have strong emotional attachments. Creating a safer environment for your parent may be as simple as rearranging existing furniture for easier accessibility, but some items – no matter how beloved – may need to be carefully reconsidered for their potential safety risks. Here are ways to make furnishings safer throughout the home:

• Make space – Arrange furniture so there are clear walking paths, making sure that there’s a good three feet of clearance for safer mobility and to minimize fall hazards. This may require moving some furnishings to other parts of the house or possibly passing along to other family members, selling or donating. Again, calmly discuss this with your parent before making any changes, let them know why you are suggesting these changes and, if they need to be removed, let them help decide where such furnishings should go.
• Beware of glass and sharp corners – That coffee table may have hosted many family game nights, but if it has sharp corners or a glass top, it would be best to replace it with a round table and forgo any breakable glass adornments.
• Secure shelving – If your parent were to trip, it’s only natural for them to grab onto whatever is nearby to prevent their fall. If what they grab onto happens to be an unsecured shelving unit, they could sustain more injuries than had they simply fallen to the ground. Make sure all shelving or storage units are secured to the wall so they can’t inadvertently topple on top of them.
• Chairs – Avoid rocking chairs and chairs on wheels that will move when someone attempts to sit. If your parent could use a little help standing up, consider a chair lift recliner, the cost of which may be covered under Medicare.
• In the bedroom – Most bed frames position the mattress 20 to 23 inches off the floor, but your parent may find it easier if the bed is positioned higher or lower. If they use a wheelchair, then the mattress should be as level as possible with the seat of the wheelchair. If your parent has experienced any falls from bed, then consider safety bed rails for seniors, wedge pillows, or a frame that positions the mattress lower to the ground or has adjustable height, making it easier to get in and out. If changing the placement of their bed, make sure it is positioned so your parent can get out of bed on the side they are accustomed to.
• In the bathroom – Install night lights to illuminate the path to the bathroom. To minimize your parent’s risk of falling while in the bathroom, consider grab bars near the toilet and in the shower, as well as a raised toilet seat, shower chair and transfer bench. If they are at high risk for falling and frequently use the bathroom in the middle of the night, gently suggest that a bedside commode may be the safest option.

Safety alarms

No matter how risk-free you make the home, there is always a chance an accident will occur. There are a host of emergency-alert wearable devices and services to choose from, many of which can be self-installed. Explore the various options and choose the ones that best suit your parent’s needs and give you peace of mind.

You should also check existing house alarms to make sure they have fresh batteries and are in good working order. Here’s a list of things you should consider:

• Smoke detectors
• Carbon monoxide detectors
• Fire extinguishers
• Stove alarms
• Gas stove safety knobs

Make the home easier to manage

Removing potential fall and safety hazards is important, but also consider small things that can be done to makes everyday activities easier, too.

• Remove all the clutter – Clear out those old stacks of newspapers and magazines, create a box for mail, put any dirty laundry on the floor into a hamper and move any favored knick-knacks to a central location – or, better yet, ask if they can be stored away. Such items pose tripping hazards and free up space that may be used for more crucial items.
• Make everyday items more accessible – Once you’ve decluttered the floor and countertops, consider using some of that space for everyday essentials like eyeglass cleaner, moisturizer and tissues. If possible, put bathroom necessities within easy reach, like their toothbrush, toothpaste, liquid soap and eye drops. Minimize items in the shower with an organizer that holds just a few essentials, and make sure the shower floor has non-slip strips.
• Organize the refrigerator and pantry – Make nutritious food choices easy by cleaning out the fridge and making sure desirable items are placed front and center. This goes for any food stored in the pantry as well. Remove any opened bags of snacks that may have gone stale and double-check those expiration dates – that bottle of spaghetti sauce or can of condensed milk may have gone bad months ago.

Home safety tips for older adults with dementia

Here are some additional safety precautions to help prevent dementia and Alzheimer’s home safety risks. These would apply for older adults whose cognitive impairment can be managed at home – those with more significant memory loss may need around-the-clock supervision, which should be determined by an appropriate medical professional.

• Use appliances with auto-shutoff features – Install hidden gas valves and circuit breakers so that ovens, fireplaces and stoves aren’t left on.
• Put finger guards on garbage disposals – In lieu of finger guards, you can cover on/off switches with safety locks.
• Lock up harmful items – Put locks on any drawers or cabinets containing knives, cleaning supplies or medication. Secure garages or basements that may contain harmful chemicals or machinery.
• Remove bedroom and bathroom locks – This will prevent accidental lock-ins, which could create a panic.
• Use technology – If wandering outside the home is a concern, GPS tracking through your parent’s smartphone can keep you updated on their location. A tracking device, such as an AirTag^®, placed in their wallet or insole of their shoes can also help.
• Create clear paths and open areas – This encourages independence and social interaction, which according to Alzheimer’s Association^®, are two important needs for people with dementia.

Don’t wait to be safe

As mentioned earlier, it’s best to gradually introduce any changes that need to be made, but don’t wait to get started. It’s better to prepare the home before an emergency or life-changing event takes place. The changes you make can help avoid accidents, reduce fall risks and make it easier for your parent to age at home.

We’re always here to help

As a leader in the industry, Atria Senior Living is happy to share our expertise and offer any support we can – even if the support you need is from someone other than us. We can call on our trusted relationships with other senior living organizations and resources to put you in touch with the best solution for you and your family. Reach out to your local Atria community today and they’ll be happy to help.

Our Guide to Making Home Safer for Your Parent (PDF)

As families age, roles reverse, and adult children often find themselves playing the part of caregiver for a senior parent. This may happen slowly in phases or all at once due to an accident or sudden onset of disease. No matter the circumstances, becoming your parent’s caregiver is often a difficult position to navigate for all involved.

It is wise to anticipate the needs your loved one may have as they age, when possible. This may begin with providing transportation to and from errands or doctor’s appointments and evolve into helping with meals and housekeeping or handling finances. Below, you’ll find advice for first-time caregivers and tips for caring for aged parents at home.

Have an earnest conversation

Planning care for an aging parent can be uncomfortable to talk about, but it is a necessary conversation. The sooner you begin discussing what the future could look like, the better it will be. If you wait until decisions are imminent, stress and urgency can make it more difficult to evaluate options, and those options may be more limited.

• Broach the topic gently – No one likes to have a difficult discussion they aren’t prepared for; it can put people on the defensive. Look for a natural opening to bring up the subject with your parent. For example, if your parent mentions joint pain, you could ask if that’s been impacting their ability to make it up and down stairs or get around the house on their own.
• Be persistent, but patient – Understandably, older adults are often hesitant to leave the home they’ve made for themselves. They may have been there for decades, forging cherished memories of raising children, entertaining friends and family or investing time and resources into the property itself. It will likely take several conversations to help your parent accept that they need assistance. Forcing the issue can create a combative situation that only makes a difficult situation more challenging.
• Don’t be afraid to talk about money – Figuring out finances is an unavoidable topic when making arrangements for an aging parent. You’ll need to take stock of any savings or assets they may have, as well as determine how much you and other family members are able to contribute. The earlier you start this process, the more time there will be to save.
• Get others’ opinions – Remember, your assessment of the situation isn’t the only point of view. It’s crucial to talk to your siblings and have them involved with these same conversations with your parent. Consider asking your parent’s doctors, other family members and trusted friends what they think is best.
• Listen to your loved one – Your parent deserves to have their opinion heard, too. The opportunity to express one’s preferences and concerns can be empowering. Let your parent be an active participant in as many decisions as possible.

Know what to expect

Knowledge is power. Gather as much information as you can so that you can make informed decisions and be prepared for the future.

• Research the disease or disability – If your parent has received a diagnosis, knowing how the disease or disability may progress can help you anticipate what additional care or resources may be necessary down the line. That way, you can make decisions now that could potentially make things easier later. Understand their medications, the purpose of each, side effects and dosage – forgetting medication is often a common sign of aging, so be prepared to help with this.
• Search for resources – Be thorough in your research when considering care options for an aging parent. There are plenty of resources online that can help. If you know anyone who has navigated a similar situation, ask for their advice, too. Explore all your options, such as day programs for older adults or in-home care that could help your parent prepare for a transition to assisted living or memory care if and when it becomes necessary.
• Understanding dementia – A parent diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or another form of dementia will have additional care needs, which you can learn more about by reading this blog and downloading this comprehensive PDF guide.

Assemble a care team

Many hands make light work. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from family, neighbors, clergy or care professionals.

• Find a role for everyone – Everyone can play a meaningful and helpful part in caring for an older adult. Even a simple phone call to keep loneliness at bay can make a big impact. Neighbors and relatives may be able to assist with transportation or accompany your parent to doctor appointments. Those who live farther away may be able to contribute financially or help research and gather useful information.
• Designate a leader – A leader isn’t someone who is ultimately responsible or in charge of making executive decisions. Instead, the care team leader should task themselves with making sure issues get addressed in a timely manner, ensuring there are no gaps in care, anticipating future needs that may arise and keeping the care team on the same page.
• Consider a mediator – Even when people have the best intentions, it can be hard to agree on the often emotionally charged decisions that need to be made when providing care for a senior parent. Family dynamics come into play, and personalities may clash. An unbiased, third-party mediator can help iron things out so everyone can focus on what’s really important: making sure your loved one gets the care they need.

Develop a clear care plan

When expectations and responsibilities aren’t conveyed directly, things often slip through the cracks. Everyone involved in caring for an aging parent needs to know what their role is and how that role fits into the larger care plan.

• Delegate to others – Caring for an aging or ailing parent is a big task; no one should feel they have to shoulder it alone, especially first-time caregivers. Seek the support of siblings and divvy up tasks among the care team according to their proximity and abilities.
• Be honest with yourself – Ask yourself what you are truly able and willing to do or contribute to a loved one’s care and ask others to do the same. Taking on more than you can handle can lead to stress and fatigue, so consider seeking outside support.
• Put it in writing – Write up a summary of care needs and persons assigned to meet them. This may change as life circumstances evolve, perhaps with a cross-country move or the birth of a child, but having something in writing will make it easy to keep track of who is doing what–and to reconfigure responsibilities if and when that becomes necessary.
• Facilitate communication – Use technology to your advantage. Consider a group chat, dedicated email chain or even a Facebook family group to keep everyone in the loop.
• Care for your loved one

Once you’ve educated yourself, created a care team and outlined a clear care plan, you’ll be best prepared to provide care for your aging parent.

• Keep them safe – First and foremost, you need to ensure your senior parent is safe, especially if they are aging in place. That could look like accessibility modifications to the home, incorporating an emergency alert system, providing transportation or arranging for daily wellness check visits.
• Be an advocate – Attend doctor’s appointments with your parent and ask questions. Medical terminology can be daunting, and information overload is real. Gaps in care or poor information sharing between providers can also be roadblocks to care; having an informed advocate will make sure all the moving parts work together.
• Seek out training – As a first-time caregiver, you will be asked to perform duties you may have never encountered before. Don’t be afraid to seek out training on how to do things like dress a wound and administer medication or how to use specialized medical equipment.
• Stay organized – This is great advice for any undertaking, but it is especially important for first-time caregivers. Keep records of doctors, healthcare providers and medications, as well as information on insurance policies, government assistance programs and other pertinent details handy.

Care for yourself

You are important, too. It’s vitally important that you make sure your needs are met, so that you can best help care for your aging parent.

• Understand the total cost – Becoming a caregiver is more than a financial commitment. Understand that it will also require time and emotional investment. Be realistic with yourself about how multiple facets of your life may need to be adjusted.
• Work with your employer – If possible, ask your employer if they can accommodate a more flexible schedule that would allow you to provide care.
• Be compassionate with yourself – Remember: you are only human. Treat yourself with kindness and consider finding a support group for caregivers, either online or in your area.
• Arrange for respite care – Respite care is short-term care that can be arranged for an afternoon or several days to provide relief for caregivers. Providing care to an aging parent can be demanding, and respite care workers are there to help.
• Make time for yourself – Helping others can be very demanding, both physically and emotionally. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, eating well and exercising. If things become overwhelming, consider talking to a therapist
• Care that fosters confidence

At Atria Senior Living, we believe care is an important, yet discreet, part of life that empowers older adults to stay active, grow and engage in what brings purpose and joy. We offer tiered care for older adults ranging from assistance with medication and personal grooming to round-the-clock memory care – learn more here.

We’re always here to help

As a leader in the industry, Atria Senior Living is happy to share our expertise and offer any support we can – even if the support you need is from someone other than us. We can call on our trusted relationships with other senior living organizations and resources to put you in touch with the best solution for you and your family. Feel free to reach out to your local Atria Community Director today.

Our Guide for First Time Caregivers (PDF)

The relationship between children and their parents is one that is very complex and continues to evolve over time. While there can be bumps along the way, most family issues are usually resolved without lasting emotional trauma and can create even deeper bonds. However, even the strongest relationships can be put to the test when adult children are faced with confronting a parent who refuses any help they might need due to their age or physical condition.

It’s certainly not easy dealing with aging parents in denial and unwilling to speak about or admit their increasing need for assistance. If you’ve ever been stressed over this situation, you’re not alone. According to a Penn State University research study, a whopping 77% of adult children believe their parents are reluctant to take their advice or refuse help with daily tasks.

Here’s the good news – there are some simple things you can do that make having these types of discussions with a parent go more smoothly. But first, let’s review some of the more common signs that indicate your parents need help.

Signs your aging parents may not be able to live safely on their own

Living with chronic pain, the loss of close friends, financial issues and the simple act of getting older are factors that can contribute to your parents becoming more irritable, irrational or demanding. But there are some clear indicators that reveal if they may be jeopardizing their health and safety by living alone.

• Weight loss – Weight can drop dramatically when one is not eating well. Older adults are often more susceptible as they may have issues getting to the grocery store or simply don’t have the desire or energy to prep, cook and clean up – cooking for one can be very difficult, especially after the loss of a spouse. Such conditions can quickly lead to poor eating habits and malnutrition, which in turn weakens the immune system and increases the risk of developing other health concerns. Check their cupboards and refrigerator to see if they are stocked with nutritional food. If you notice a parent has lost significant weight, consider working with a nutritionist, helping your parent with grocery shopping and meal prep, or hiring a prepackaged meal delivery service.
• Poor hygiene – Forgetting to shower, neglecting grooming habits, wearing dirty clothes and avoiding other personal hygiene are often signs that a parent is struggling with cognitive decline, loneliness or depression. Checking in with daily calls, making a laundry schedule and planning events outside the home are all ways you can help. There are also homecare services that can help with daily grooming, toileting and light housekeeping.
• Messy home – A cluttered home poses safety risks and can even lead to health issues. Also check their mail – are there stacks of unpaid bills lying around? This could be a sign that cognitive decline is setting in. If this is a concern, elder-proof their home and consider hiring a cleaning service to check in on your parent and tidy up once a week.
• Vehicle damage – Give your parent’s car the once-over. If you notice new scratches or dents, this could be a sign of failing eyesight or delayed reflexes. It may be time to reassess if it’s safe for them to continue driving and, if it’s not, contact family and friends to make a weekly schedule based on who is able to help.
• Jokes about getting lost – We all have our “got lost” stories, but if your parent repeatedly says they’ve had trouble finding their car in a parking lot or get disoriented while walking along familiar routes, this might indicate something more serious. Their laughing off such incidents may be a defense mechanism or simply denial. Talk to your parent about being evaluated by a medical professional who can diagnose and treat cognitive health issues.
• Low energy – While most everyone slows down as they age, a sudden or severe lack of energy could be a warning sign. If your parent appears run down or frequently complains they are tired and have no energy to do things, consider scheduling a doctor’s visit. Loneliness, depression, not taking routine medications properly or a newly acquired physical malady can contribute to exhaustion.
• More frequent falls – More than one out of four older adults fall each year, and it’s the leading cause of decline in the senior population’s health. There are many factors that can contribute to falling including lower body weakness, vision problems and vitamin deficiencies. As a serious fall can quickly turn an independent lifestyle to one that is immobile and requires extensive medical treatment, it pays to do a risk assessment. Clear your parent’s house of any unneeded clutter, tack down or remove any loose rugs, and encourage them to go for walks, attend an exercise class, maintain a healthy diet and get a good night’s sleep.
• A messy medicine cabinet – Are your parent’s medications in order or do you see a lot of bottles with lapsed expiration dates? Not taking medications regularly can obviously be detrimental to your parent’s health and can create a domino effect that results in more adverse physical and mental issues. Help organize their meds and set them up with a medication reminder – like digital smartphone apps – to help keep them on track. Make a list of all medications they are taking along with the correct dosages and keep this information handy so you can discuss it with their doctor.

If you detect one or more of these issues with your parent, set aside time to calmly discuss your concerns. Unless their safety is in immediate peril, rather than suggest any immediate action, it sometimes helps to let them think about what you’ve told them. Giving them time to process the information so that exploring next steps – such as a doctor visit or advice from objective experts – goes more smoothly.

How to help your parents accept care

When you begin to notice that your parent’s actions and behavior are a serious risk to their health and safety, here are some tips to help reduce any resistance, resentment and anxiety that may arise when you express your concerns and offer ways to help them.

• Have empathy – Be aware that your parent may be struggling with the physical, mental and emotional aspects of aging. Taking a moment to understand their mindset and being mindful of their feelings can help you better communicate your concerns. Your tone of voice, body language and the words you use to express yourself can make all the difference in having them accept your help.
• Respect their sense of agency – Understanding that your parent’s independence is important to them can help you identify the root causes of their behavior and help you determine the best way to make positive changes.

Ask these questions about your parent’s behavior:

• Are they acting this way out of habit?
• Is this behavior change recent?
• Has some incident triggered this change?
• Are they worried about losing their independence?
• Are they suffering from depression or anxiety?
• Are they confused or do they have dementia?
• What are some things they may be fearing?

Remember that the goal is to help your parent receive the best care possible. Even though it may feel like the parent-child relationship has flip-flopped, avoid infantilizing your parent – dealing with a stubborn parent is not the same as dealing with a stubborn child. You’re more likely to get cooperation when you approach them as adults, whether it be something as routine as medication reminders or more involved issues, such as diabetes treatment.

• Accept the situation – Despite your best intentions, you have to accept that your parent is an adult and entitled to make decisions about their own life and how much assistance or care they are willing to receive. Doing so can help reduce your stress, manage your expectations and improve your relationship with your aging parent.
• Choose your battles – Even though your intentions are good, repeatedly asking a parent to change their behavior can be quickly misconstrued as nagging. To avoid this issue, focus on the most pressing issues, making those that affect their health and safety a top priority. If there are several serious concerns, focus on one or two at a time so the parent doesn’t feel overwhelmed. Consider having a medical professional bring up your concerns with your parent as they may be more receptive to accepting advice from someone who isn’t their child.
• Explain how their behavior affects others – While it may be easy for your parent to disregard the consequences of their actions on themselves, they may be more sympathetic when you frame how they affect their loved ones. Gently explain the stress and anxieties that their refusing help causes you, or how an unhealthy habit, like smoking, poses the risk of second-hand smoke to their grandchildren.
• Don’t keep things bottled up – It’s easy to internalize all the stress that comes when dealing with an uncooperative parent, and the fear, frustration and anxiety can become overwhelming. Don’t take it on by yourself. Rely on family members – such as your spouse or siblings – as an outlet for you to share your feelings and ask them to have these same conversations with your parent. Finding activities and people you can confide in will help release any pent-up negative emotions.
• Give them something to look forward to – Whether it’s an anniversary, graduation, wedding or simply a family game night, making your parent part of a future event may encourage them to take positive actions, like bathing, grooming and dressing up for the occasion. It may also motivate them to more willingly accept any needed care or assistance you suggest. Send them gentle reminders of the special date, talk about it frequently, put it on their calendar – anticipating an upcoming event can often brighten someone’s day as much as the event itself.

When you’ve tried everything, but your parent still refuses help

You’ve been proactive about creating a long-term care plan. You’ve patiently listened to your parent’s needs. You’ve sought the advice of family, friends and healthcare professionals. You’ve had open conversations that come from a place of love and caring. You’ve done all this, and your parent still refuses your help.

Sometimes even doing everything in your power may not be enough to convince your parent to take your advice and accept the care or help they may need. If your parent is unwilling to address the reality of their situation, accept that things are out of your hands and hope the seeds you’ve planted will sprout with a little more time. While this can feel like a huge setback, don’t give up hope. Keep communication open, keep expressing your love and concern, and stay open to any compromise your parent may suggest that puts them closer to the care they need.

Talking to others may also help ease your stress and explore different options. You may consider a support group, a senior living provider, talking to a director at a local senior living community or reading information that could make future discussions with your parent go more smoothly.

Our Guide on What to Do When an Elderly Parent Refuses Help (PDF)